The Health Benefits of Turmeric!

The Health Benefits of Turmeric!

Turmeric is a plant from the ginger family, native to Southeast Asia. It gives many Indian dishes an orange color and an added kick. But did you know it also has health benefits?

There is a growing buzz around this miracle spice for its medicinal properties as both an anti-inflammatory and an antioxidant. Folk pseudo-doctors have been touting the healing uses of turmeric, like:

  • The active ingredient, curcumin, fights inflammation at the molecular level
  • It neutralizes free-radicals in the body to stimulate antioxidant enzymes
  • It boosts brain function
  • It can possibly fight cancer
  • It may cross the blood-brain barrier to fight Alzheimer’s Disease
  • It will give you the mental acuity to notice that extra “r” in the word “turmeric”. You didn’t know there was another “r”, did you?
  • Rub it on your feet for athlete’s foot
  • Or on places with jock itch
  • Turmeric can be used as a hair dye, when combined with your own urine and applied as a paste
  • Squirt a little in your dog’s food so his farts will smell like curry
  • Constipated? Try a turmeric enema
  • Bad breath? Coat your teeth with turmeric and no one will notice your halitosis because they’re too busy staring at your orange teeth, you freak
  • Turmeric is the secret ingredient in Bush’s baked beans
  • Apply it as a powder deodorant to your underarms and you’ll smell like take-out
  • Turmeric will enable you to solve the crimes in Murder, She Wrote before Angela Lansbury figures them out
  • It can act as a sleep-aid, when combined with NyQuil, Benadryl, Melatonin, and/or Ambien
  • It can make you see God, and instantly conceptualize abstract theological theories like the Trinity, textual criticism of the Septuagint, and Transubstantiation
  • Forget Google Maps, sprinkle turmeric on your car and watch it drive itself to any destination without getting lost
  • It will automatically give you 4,000 extra steps per day on your FitBit
  • It will help you differentiate which Olsen twin is which
  • It will tell you who shot JR. (Spoiler: Turmeric shot JR, but then quickly infused an IV saline drip with turmeric and administered it to him so that JR was miraculously resurrected from the dead only to be shot again on the set of Dallas)
  • Are you having trouble averting the evil schemes of Stephano DiMera? Carry a little pack of turmeric on your person and you’ll be able to escape from a dungeon, unlock mind-control, wake up from a sorcery-induced coma, etc
  • Rumor has it, Instagram will soon be introducing “the turmeric” filter, which will erase the 20 years of soul-crushing responsibility and depression you got from you job at a call center
  • If you hold it on your tongue, you’ll have the balance and panache of a mountain goat–and you’ll smell like one too!

Put a pinch of turmeric in your tea! Bake it into a cake! Snort it like cocaine! There’s no wrong way to consume turmeric.

Personally, I just hallucinated after shooting up some turmeric and now I can see the Virgin Mary in all my Cool Ranch Doritos. Won’t you join me?

Today’s the day to ask your local internet message board if turmeric is right for you!

To the Mom Who Wrote to the Mom Who Complained About the First Mom and the Third Mom

To the Mom Who Wrote to the Mom Who Complained About the First Mom and the Third Mom

According to Google, there are four trillion mommy blogs in existence today, all seeking to voice their individual viewpoints about everything from sleep training to training bras. With so much competition, it is difficult for bloggers to stay relevant. When writer’s block hits, a neat trick is to take someone else’s benign material and respond in outrage with an open letter addressed to that individual, but meant to be read by a wider audience. Sure, it’s a lazy, uncreative format, but it gets the clicks, man.


Earlier this week, there was a string of open letters both defending and scolding a mother for her parenting decision to eat fast food. It was like chain mail on crack. As a blogger myself, I was stumped for original material and so felt compelled to respond to the mom who wrote to the other mom who complained about the first mom and the third mom. I’d like to say a few words to the fifth mom in defense of the fourth mom, and round things out with a general shaming of the third mom.


(I know these open letters can get confusing, so I’ve made a handy chart to help you follow along.)


Dear Mom Number Five,

Since I have no hobbies outside of the internet, I have been following this week’s most recent Mommy-Gate open letter battle which began on Sunday when mom number two scolded mom number one about her decision to go through the KFC drive-thru for dinner.

Mom number three then grew outraged at number two for butting into number one’s business, at which point mom number four criticized both mom number one and mom number three. You responded to mom number four as follows:


That was pretty strong language. Especially since you admitted you never actually read number four’s letter, but formulated your rebuttal based solely on the title of her post.

Tell me, mom number five, would you say something like that to number four’s face?


I’m guessing your blog “Gentle Parenting by Rain Blossom” is meant to be read ironically. Especially since in your bio you admit that you do not yet have any children.

This isn’t about chicken anymore. It is about something much greater. It is about me entering into a useless dialogue because I like to hear myself talk. Which reminds me, free speech. Yeah, this is about free speech.

Mom number four had every right to argue with mom number one and mom number three. We live in a country where, no matter how unimaginative and banal your views, you are entitled to free speech…and a blog. Besides, since number four is an opponent of fast food she was probably using all her mental energy to diet and couldn’t hold back her hatred for those who get to eat delicious fried chicken. Can you blame her? The woman hasn’t had extra-tasty-crispy in five years. FIVE YEARS.

You seem to side with mom number three, who is clearly over-reacting to mom number two’s use of hyperbole. (Mom number three, if you are reading this, shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.)

BTW, mom number five, is your name really Rain Blossom? If so, I offer my deepest sympathies and retract my previous scolding. You have suffered enough.

Sincerely,

Mom number six

ps. Everybody please share this post and invite all your friends to like my blog. Then friends request a bunch of distant acquaintances so you can invite them to like my page. Also if you are just “following” me, you’ll need to go in the top corner and click on the blue “like” icon too so that my numbers will go up and then I can share my gobshite on a larger platform. If we are Facebook friends, and I have invited you to like the blog already, I can’t re-invite you, so just like it and then you can hide my posts afterward if you don’t actually want to see them. It’s what true friends do. But go the extra mile, will you? Share everything I write, no matter how cringe-worthy or attention-seeking, because I need your validation. Also, if you would personally message me a few open letters to which I can reply that would be great because I need material for next week. Like & share. Then like what you’ve shared. Then like it when other people share it.

Oh, and tag your friends too.