Turmeric is a plant from the ginger family, native to Southeast Asia. It gives many Indian dishes an orange color and an added kick. But did you know it also has health benefits?
There is a growing buzz around this miracle spice for its medicinal properties as both an anti-inflammatory and an antioxidant. Folk pseudo-doctors have been touting the healing uses of turmeric, like:
- The active ingredient, curcumin, fights inflammation at the molecular level
- It neutralizes free-radicals in the body to stimulate antioxidant enzymes
- It boosts brain function
- It can possibly fight cancer
- It may cross the blood-brain barrier to fight Alzheimer’s Disease
- It will give you the mental acuity to notice that extra “r” in the word “turmeric”. You didn’t know there was another “r”, did you?
- Rub it on your feet for athlete’s foot
- Or on places with jock itch
- Turmeric can be used as a hair dye, when combined with your own urine and applied as a paste
- Squirt a little in your dog’s food so his farts will smell like curry
- Constipated? Try a turmeric enema
- Bad breath? Coat your teeth with turmeric and no one will notice your halitosis because they’re too busy staring at your orange teeth, you freak
- Turmeric is the secret ingredient in Bush’s baked beans
- Apply it as a powder deodorant to your underarms and you’ll smell like take-out
- Turmeric will enable you to solve the crimes in Murder, She Wrote before Angela Lansbury figures them out
- It can act as a sleep-aid, when combined with NyQuil, Benadryl, Melatonin, and/or Ambien
- It can make you see God, and instantly conceptualize abstract theological theories like the Trinity, textual criticism of the Septuagint, and Transubstantiation
- Forget Google Maps, sprinkle turmeric on your car and watch it drive itself to any destination without getting lost
- It will automatically give you 4,000 extra steps per day on your FitBit
- It will help you differentiate which Olsen twin is which
- It will tell you who shot JR. (Spoiler: Turmeric shot JR, but then quickly infused an IV saline drip with turmeric and administered it to him so that JR was miraculously resurrected from the dead only to be shot again on the set of Dallas)
- Are you having trouble averting the evil schemes of Stephano DiMera? Carry a little pack of turmeric on your person and you’ll be able to escape from a dungeon, unlock mind-control, wake up from a sorcery-induced coma, etc
- Rumor has it, Instagram will soon be introducing “the turmeric” filter, which will erase the 20 years of soul-crushing responsibility and depression you got from you job at a call center
- If you hold it on your tongue, you’ll have the balance and panache of a mountain goat–and you’ll smell like one too!
Put a pinch of turmeric in your tea! Bake it into a cake! Snort it like cocaine! There’s no wrong way to consume turmeric.
Personally, I just hallucinated after shooting up some turmeric and now I can see the Virgin Mary in all my Cool Ranch Doritos. Won’t you join me?
Today’s the day to ask your local internet message board if turmeric is right for you!